It all started when work had an assignment for me in Austin, TX, our largest office in the midwest. I've been to the Austin office before, but I only went to one conference room and it was only for a day. The office is a 5 story building with floors that are 60,000+ sq ft, full of only PBS&J employees. The arrangement of the floors is basically a scaled up version of a maze which a sociology or psychology PhD student would use in conjunction with rats to test various rat reactions.
Well, upon arrival I was met at the doors by my would-be coworkers whom I followed to a cubicle on the 3rd floor. I was given my assignment and left alone. Throughout the day I managed to find various needed locations; the exit when I went to lunch, my coworker's area when I had questions, and the break room when I needed a snack or drink of water. However, I never once chanced upon the bathroom.
While at work, I tend to be very focused, and as such, usually realize that I need to use the restroom about an hour after I should have noticed. So, at about an hour too late and in a bit of a rush, I scrambled my way through the maze of cubicles, peeking and sniffing around corners to find dead ends filled with copiers, printers, other rats…er uh, people, and stacks of papers until finally, I found it! It was identified by a sign which I glanced at as I entered. I navigated the room and found a stall.
Several minutes later, I heard the door open and someone entered. But I noticed women's voices outside in very close proximity, which made me a little uncomfortable. But the two who entered did so silently, as it should be done in a men's restroom. It was a second or two later that I had 4 thoughts enter my mind in very quick succession. They are listed below in the order in which they appeared:
1. Those footsteps sounded much like women's shoes.
2. I don't recall seeing any urinals when I came in.
3. HOLY CRAP!! Those ARE women's shoes…on the LADY in the stall next to me!!!
4. I…AM…IN…THE…WOMEN'S…BATHROOM!!!!!
The series of thoughts which followed are still somewhat of a blur to me. But generally, they had to do with various escape scenarios which I would employ to leave the hostile territory. They included everything from silent assassin to "Shock and Awe!" But none seemed any more appropriate or any less embarrassing than the others, so I sat and waited like a scared fawn in the grass surrounded by hungry, stalking wolves.
After a few moments, the wolves gave up on their prey and left the room. I was now able to make my move. My first move was to laugh so hysterically, I cried. Once composed, I quickly washed up and approached the door. At this moment, I had the thought of what could be just beyond this door; The wolves could be luring me out to catch a glimpse of the fawn in all its nakedness (figurative); A chance lone wolf could simply be coming to do her duty and stumble upon this poor, lost, and lonely prey; Or worse, a bull could be trudging his way to pay homage to the porcelain god and discover me, having entered the forbidden temple, and then subject me to the only thing worse than the wolves, the taunting of the bulls!
I decided I had to act quickly and face whatever was just beyond this door now. It was too much of a risk to stay inside. I rushed out of the door and down the hall toward where I knew the men’s room had to be. Thankfully upon exiting, no one was there and my escape was unseen! Once close to the correct washroom, I felt it necessary to offer a gesture of forgiveness to the porcelain god by entering the men’s room and washing my hands (I’m sure there’s some symbology here).
One might think the story ends there, but one doesn’t know the paranoia in my brain!
Immediately after sitting down, I began hearing the cackles of laughter from various parts of the building, and I knew what the subject matter had to be. I pictured the women phoning one another, their husbands, their mothers, their grandmothers, and sharing what had surely by now become known as “The Man-cident”.
Out of fear of being identified by my shoes or the cuffs of my pants, I resolved not to leave my cubicle for 3.5 more hours, a full 2 hours longer than anyone else could possibly be expected to stay. In fact, I took the appropriate cautionary measures of removing my shoes and tucking them far under the desk so as not to be seen by patrolling hunters. I also kept my feet out of the site of a “casual” passersby who I knew would be nothing more than a spy.
Once the day was over…okay, once MY day was over, I glided to my car and then to the hotel and scrubbed the evidence. Those shoes were placed in my suitcase and were not nor will ever be worn in that office again! It’s extreme, I know, but necessary!
